Bittersweet

*For the first time in foreverrrrrrrr* I had a good day! I did not get the things done that I had on my checklist, but I did get a ton of stuff done. I got tons of laundry done (we are still washing all the stuff in the house because of a lice incident), and I got a lot of it put away. There was a mountain of clean laundry on my bed and since my sheets got lost in the mountain of dirty laundry, I had just been piling clean clothes on my bed and sleeping on my couch. My back is still admonishing me for that. But all the laundry on my bed has been put away and I found my bedding and washed it. So finally, my bed is made and pretty, although I’m missing my king sized pillows still. I have one wimpy pillow. Oh well.

I cleaned up the wreck of a living room, ironed four shirts (I haven’t ironed in years, and that’s not an exaggeration), did some more laundry, and cleaned up my bedroom (which is where everything gets dumped when people show up last minute and I have to make my house look clean). Oh, and I cleaned out my closet by taking all the stuff I didn’t want and putting it in the garage to deal with later. I got a lot done!

My first attempt at getting over the fact that I didn’t finish everything

You might notice, however, that I did not get a blog post out yesterday, and I did not get any of my homework done. So it’s a little bittersweet. I got important stuff done and left important stuff undone. It was extremely hard to get over that last fact.

When my husband came home, I hadn’t packed the kids’ bags for a sleepover at the grandparents’ house, in fact, I couldn’t even find clothes for two out of my three kids (lice remember? everything had been bagged up and taken downstairs). In the process of cleaning, I made everything much worse so the place looked terrible and I was hoping to have a lot more done before hubby came home. He walked in the door and I cried. Bless him, he didn’t get frustrated with me. I told him I didn’t want to go to band practice tonight, and he was very gracious and didn’t make me feel guilty for canceling. He told me that instead of having the kids sleep over, he was just going to have Mamaw watch them for the few hours he was going to be gone tonight and then he would bring them home, meaning I didn’t have to find extra clothes to pack.

He got everyone out of the house and I got to be all by myself. I listened to music for quite a while, watched some Bob’s Burgers and then I decided I wanted my house to be cozy, so I picked up my cleaning from where I left off. He came home later with the kids and two Dr. Peppers (one for tonight and one for tomorrow) to find two of the rooms in our house very presentable.

Today, my hubby was my happy place. He took me there and I am so grateful for him and his patience. Even though he can’t always help me, he always tries. It’s why I love him. It’s why today turned out to be a good day.

Do you ever have issues celebrating your successes because you didn’t get things done exactly how you wanted? Can you get to a place where that doesn’t happen anymore? Tell me how you cope in the comments! I need advice!

Therapy Newbie: My First Session

Well, I did it. I had my first therapy session.

I was terrified, both about opening up to someone I don’t know and about figuring out how to pay for it. My insurance doesn’t cover all of the cost and we don’t have extra money. But I went anyway.

I drove my car in an unknown area to a place I had not been before and I got lost. It was 45 minutes away, but it was important to me that my therapist was a woman and that it wouldn’t be likely that I would ever need to interact with her outside of therapy. At one point my phone said I had arrived at the office, but I couldn’t find it anywhere. So since I was downtown, I parked and got out to walk around. This is what scared me most all night. I was terrified of someone trying to hurt me as I walked around with no clue where my destination was. I ended up calling my therapist and I was going to cancel since I was already scared out of my wits, but she told me how to find the office and she told me she would stand outside and look for me (which was super nice seeing as it was like 4 degrees outside). I ended up making it to therapy and I am pretty proud that I got there at all.

I chose a woman as my therapist and she was actually really calming and understanding. My first visit was basically taking stock of who I am. She asked all about my background (who my parents are, are they married or divorced, am I married, etc.) and she did get specific about some areas of my past. I found that going over that stuff was helpful for me as well because there are areas of my past that were cloudy or confusing because I had never taken the time to think about them. I could also see areas where some of the events of my past are affecting me today, but I didn’t see them until I sat down to tell a stranger all about myself.

We did go over the reason I sought help in the first place and we talked a bit about that. She said that she would like to see me every other week, but I can’t afford that so we will try to do it every month. I hope that I can figure out a way to see her every other week though.

I am really happy that I finally started therapy and it is showing in my life. I am having more good days and I am more productive. my post (65)Just getting that stuff out to someone without having to worry about hurting them was an amazing feeling. I don’t really have friends that I can just talk to about all the super personal things in my life so my husband is my only sounding board. He is my best friend and I love him and being with him, but it’s difficult to discuss things with him without being a jerk. You know? Like just because I have a feeling, doesn’t mean it actually means anything but I need someone to hear it and understand it. He would hear it and take it personally and then try to solve the problem because he always wants me to have the best. He really is a fantastic husband.

He has a hard time understanding that just because I tell him about my issues doesn’t mean I want him to fix them. I just want someone to stay on solid ground so I can sink down in the sand as I tell him about my troubles. Then when I’m done, he can pull me back up with him and we can move on with our lives. If I talk to someone who is also on sinking sand, we both end up sinking and then we are stuck in this sadness/anger for a long time until we can eventually climb out ourselves.

That’s what it felt like to talk to a therapist. I got real and blunt, but she is impartial so she was on solid ground. After crying my eyes out, we ended the session and I was able to easily stop and get back to the business of getting home. Therapy worked because there was a limit to our time, so issues couldn’t be dragged out all night like they can at home, and she wasn’t upset with me or sad about what I said so I didn’t feel guilty. I knew I could tell her anything because I didn’t have to worry about it getting out to anyone. So I let it all out, had no guilt about it, and I moved on.

I know that its hard to get yourself into therapy, especially if you don’t have money. I have spent years telling myself that I wanted to do this but it took some serious issues to get my butt into gear and get the ball rolling. There will probably come a time when she won’t be able to see me anymore because I can’t pay, but I’ll take the therapy I can get and cross that bridge when I come to it. I can say that therapy is a good idea for anyone because everyone needs that impartial person to vent to. If you have been wanting to do it, do what you can to get there. You deserve it and you will benefit greatly. I wish I had done it earlier. Honestly, I wish I had started therapy in college (a.k.a. 11ish years ago). If you can do it now, do it now, even if you think you don’t need it. It will help so much.

Have you been in therapy before? Any long time therapy experts out there? What has therapy done for you? What do you love most about going to therapy? Or maybe you hate it? Tell me why in the comments!

my post (64)