Downward Spiral, HO!

I can feel it. I don’t know what to do. I am wanting to do things, like laundry or cleaning anything. I want to help. My husband does everything. He says he doesn’t but he’s a liar.

He does the cleaning around the house, he gets the kids off to school in the morning, he puts them to bed at night, I just make sure they don’t die while he’s at work. My mind is telling me I am useless and I can’t find anything to argue with.

I don’t want to do this. I don’t want to go down again. I have worked so hard. I joined a choir because I love making music with other formally trained musicians. I joined my church praise team because I wanted to make new music and I’m learning to play the bass for that group because it’s fun to learn something new. I have tried to get out and make friends and be more active.

And here I am. Going down again. Helplessly. So I guess this is an experiment. I am going to see if I can actively work to get out of this, or if I have to wait it out. God, please don’t make me have to wait it out.

Step 1: I am going to do everything in my power to keep going to my obligations, even when I don’t want to, even when I don’t care or I think I am not worth anything to the group.

Step 2: I am going to keep a gratitude journal of at least one thing I have going for me each day.

Step 3: I am going to do my makeup and take selfies of myself that I love every single day. No matter how late it is, I am going to put on my makeup that makes me feel beautiful and take some pics that I love.

Step 4: No matter how bad I feel, I am not going to apologize for what I am going through. I can tell people that I thank them for being patient with me, but I will never apologize.

Who knows if these things will actually help me get out of my downward spiral faster, but if I find that they don’t work or I can’t do them, or if something else works better, I will blog again to show what helps me. Maybe it can help someone else too.

Anyone else wanna run this experiment with me?

Where Does the Name of my Blog Come From?

As part of my 31-day blog challenge, one of the challenges is to explain the name of my blog.

I am in love with reading. I thoroughly enjoy traveling through other worlds by reading amazing books, and even watching T.V. and movies. I feel a great kinship with so many characters, one of the strongest with Anne of Green Gables. She goes through so much as an orphan and she develops this way of coping with her situation by escaping through books and imagining friends. She has the ability to take her situation and completely change it in her mind so that she is in a whole different world that intrigues and delights her. It usually contains this dashing suitor and a tragic romance. This coping mechanism keeps her going when she deals with prejudice, abuse, and just horrible mistreatment and harassment from adults who should be caring for her.

When Anne finally catches a break, she is chosen to be sent to Prince Edward Island to fulfill a request for a little girl to adopt. On the island, she meets Matthew and Marilla (the people who requested a child) and they ask her for her name. She replies:

Could you please call me Cordelia?

She explains that she feels her name, Anne, is too plain. She thinks her name is ordinary and very boring. But if Matthew and Marilla could just call her Cordelia, she could imagine she was the person she wished she could be. She would be exciting and adventurous and beautiful. Of course, Marilla promptly tells her that this is nonsense and that Marilla will call her by her given name. Marilla doesn’t imagine. She lives in reality all the time.

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Anne Shirley is one of my favorite characters.

The thing is, I have spent so much time wishing I was someone else. If I could just change this, or if I could fix that, then I would be the perfect person I have always wanted to be. The name of my blog relates to that wish that I make in the “depths of despair” when things are too difficult and I am just disgusted with myself. I just want to be Cordelia. Perfect Cordelia.

My goal for this blog is to provide a place for people who want to be Cordelia. A place to relate to someone. I want to share my experiences from the depths of despair and how I work to get back to a happy place. I hope that my stories and help can inspire someone else to either move forward and keep trying or to get help so that they can do that.

I would really like to hear about some fictional characters that you relate with, from any form of media. Comment below and tell me what they mean to you.

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