The last day and a half have been the worst. I haven’t been diagnosed with anxiety but I have been diagnosed with depression. When my routine or world changes, it makes me continuously worried, as if you’re waiting to get test results back from the doctor.
So all week I have been looking at the end of the week when my family has a bunch of appointments that have coincidentally fallen in these two days. There’s nothing wrong with the schedule. I have plenty of time to get everyone where they need to be, but instead of my normal safe routine at home, I’ve been out for two days. Driving my husband to work, driving my daughter to school, going into the school to set up our family for car pickup so they will release her to me instead of putting her on the bus.
I’ve been dealing with crazy parents who show up to pick up their kids more than an hour before school dismisses, otherwise, you’ll be lined up down the street because apparently everyone picks up their kid. I took my boys to a doctor appointment that’s a half hour away from my house and my youngest had to get four shots and my oldest got the flu shot. Needless to say, that examination room was a mess.
My son’s speech therapist had to change the day she comes to work with him and so for the first time, she was supposed to come today. I couldn’t get the place cleaned up in time and so I canceled on her. I just couldn’t do it anymore.
Oh and I forgot to mention that my son’s therapy coordinator showed up to re-evaluate his needs and I didn’t even remember I had an appointment with her until she knocked on my door. I answered the door to my hurricane of a house that’s been dealing with lice all week and I was barely holding back the tears. I begged her to reschedule and she took one look at me and said, “Yeah, I can tell you’re not feeling well. Can we set a date now?” So now it has officially been confirmed, I look like crap. I apologized profusely as she left and I texted my husband and my best friend telling them how mortified I was. Of course, they told me I was still a good mom, but I know they’re lying because the coordinator already told me. I’m a mess.
So I sat on my couch with my toddler in his pack ‘n play, my preschooler on his Kindle, and my daughter at school and husband at work, thankfully reducing the number of people witnessing this meltdown.
This morning my son woke everyone up at 3:11am and I am dead. I packed up the van and drove everyone where they needed to be while I was on autopilot. I have been in the car for hours these last two days. Seriously!
- The time it takes to get to hubby’s work (one way): 25mins
- The time it takes to get to school from hubby’s work: 30mins
- The time it takes to get to the doctor’s office (one way): 30 mins
- The time it takes to get to a family event tonight: 30mins
So today alone I have been in the car for three hours and 55 minutes altogether. I hope you guys put lots of lilies on my casket because I’m dead now.
When we returned home from the doctor appointment this morning, I made sure the kids had food, somehow found my last bit of energy to put in a load of dishes and a load of clothes and clean half of the living room before I shut down. We all took a nap and didn’t wake up until my daughter walked in off the bus three hours later.
I had the kids help finish cleaning the living room, we picked up my husband from work, came back home, had an hour for dinner and now we’re on our way to a family party that I don’t even want to go to but in order to keep the peace, I have to pretend I care. I know I shouldn’t have to do that, but either I deal with the effort of shoving it under the rug or the effort of dealing with maybe the most dramatic member of my family.
In my happy place, everyone is gone. They’ve taken a vacation and left me at home alone. I don’t have to drive, cook, change diapers, deal with family or any other human beings. I never clean anything up and I don’t feel guilty about it because no one else has to live in it but me. I have lots of money to order pizza and Dr. Pepper for every meal and I sit on the couch watching whatever I want the whole time. I even sleep on the couch. And I sleep. And sleep. And sleep.