A Wad of Unbrushed Hair and My Bare Face

I woke up to my husband’s alarm going off, except he doesn’t hear it and sleeps right through it. I yell at him to wake him up and turn off the alarm. He hits snooze and goes back to sleep. This whole routine happens three more times and I am so over it. When we finally get up, it’s too late. We don’t have time for everyone to take a shower and still leave on time, so it ended up being my daughter who had to wait until this evening. I had no time to put on makeup of any kind. Which killed me.

What people actually think when they see me without makeup but they’re too nice to be that way. 

I hate the way I look without makeup. I. Hate. It. I am the ugliest person and you know what, no one is gonna convince me otherwise, because they’ve been trying for like at least 23ish years now. If it hasn’t sunk in by now, it’s not going to.

I had no time to clean up my boots that have been stored in the garage for the last three seasons. My husband tried, bless his heart, but there just wasn’t enough time. I wanted to wear one of my cute scarves this morning but all of them are still in the mass of laundry making its way through the laundry like molasses. I had to throw my hair up in a terrible bun. It sucks. Seriously, its a wad of unbrushed wet hair. 

I walked into church this morning and I did not want to talk to anyone, but I guess I really did look like crap because the first thing someone said to me when I walked in the front door was, “What’s wrong?”

I told them that nothing was wrong because I don’t want to tell people about my problems. I just want them all to shut up and leave me alone. And then I thought about how I don’t feel comfortable sharing anything super personal with any of these people at church, who are supposed to be my brothers and sisters. Not that they are mean people, it’s just that I don’t connect with anyone. There’s no one there that I look at and think, “I need to tell them my issues because I know they will make me feel understood.” No, they will give me all the cliches and tell me that everything will be alright and then go back to eating their donuts and coffee, and you know what? I don’t want that. I want someone to tell me how much my situation sucks and to complain about everything with me. I want a friend who literally feels the same way I do now and is upset about stuff too. We can feel better later. Right now, I want to bitch about stuff and no one at church is gonna do that with me.

Of course, everything for the church service was changed last minute and I didn’t check to see if everything had been confirmed so I made the wrong stuff for the show and it was all my fault. Everyone and their brother needed something from me before the service and I had to put on a smile and pretend I was happy to help them. The soundboard was completely messed up and the man who normally runs the sound has it in his head that all the levels and adjustments need to stay the same every single week because that’s how we keep from getting feedback. Guys, he wears a hearing aid. He can’t hear the feedback coming through the speakers. I was in a mood so I actually stood up for myself, when normally I would have just as-you-wished at him. I told him the stage changes constantly and so do the people on it, so you can’t write down the exact places you left the controls that one time everything sounded good and set them to that every week. We were getting feedback when all the levels were at the place they were “supposed to be”. We. need. to. check. them. every. week. and. adjust. So I guess my bad mood was a little productive because I wasn’t rude (miraculously) but I wouldn’t let him tell me I was wrong. 

I checked my blog to see what was up, and somehow I switched a finished and published post back to a draft with all my gifs now missing and my title photo gone as well. So I came home and redid that.

My poor hubby has been trying to help me this whole morning and he really was amazing. He found someone to break into the broken coke machine at the church and get me a Dr. Pepper so I was able to have some caffeine and take my meds, which helped. And we did see some friends at church that I do like to be around, but I don’t know them well enough to air out all my personal stuff. Still, it was nice to see them.

And here I sit listening to my favorite love songs and three grilled cheese sandwiches cut diagonally just the way I like it, made by my hunk of a hubby. It’s true, I was very down this morning. I was crying on the way to church, and I wished as hard as I could that I didn’t have to go. But I did get to genuinely worship a little bit, which made me feel Jesus with me. It helped. And things have calmed down now. No one has to see my gross face and I don’t have to be presentable to anyone. I don’t have to smile if I don’t want to. I don’t have to deal with any people I don’t want to. I can just exist as me. I love home.

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Some Upsetting Thoughts From Today and How I Changed Them

There is a lot of power in how you think. Thoughts are a particular stumbling block for people who suffer from depression. Thoughts of shame pop up way too easily and stick for a long time, whereas thoughts of pride and accomplishment struggle to surface and are fleeting.

And for my next trick, I will make all my successes disappear!

If you don’t know, you can train your thoughts to lean a certain way. For example, if you’ve been brought up as a racist, your initial thought when seeing a black person would be negative and mean. If you learned to recognize those thoughts and make yourself change the thought to a positive one, you can change your outlook on people of color.

Like this…

Negative: “I bet this lady ahead of me has all those babies just to get a free ride and live off the government.”

Fixed: “There is nothing wrong with having many children and I have absolutely no evidence to support the idea that she is getting government assistance. Even if she is, there is nothing wrong with accepting government assistance when needed. I have no authority to decide whether she is worthy of government assistance. Sure I may pay taxes so that people can live with assistance, but I have no knowledge of her personal information and I am not entitled to her personal information.”

I read somewhere that the first thought that crosses your mind is how you’ve been conditioned to think. The next thought is from you. You don’t have to feel bad about being conditioned to think terrible things. You just have to re-condition and re-train your brain until that first thought is the one you’re proud of.

Actual footage of you taking control of your thoughts.

The same goes for the thoughts you have of yourself. You’ve trained your brain to see all the imperfections about yourself, and that they are deal breakers for anyone who might consider a relationship with you. There are many reasons you have been trained this way, but you have the power to change it!

Something I do once in a while is writing out my negative thoughts, and change them so that I see the positive.

1. Negative: I am fat and ugly. Everyone is looking at me and thinking how glad they are that they aren’t me.

Positive:  I am overweight but that has no bearing on my beauty. I have personally witnessed the transformation that occurs between seeing someone for the first time and getting to know them. Beautiful people have quickly become ugly and vice versa. No one is judging you because they are too busy judging themselves, thinking these same thoughts. Not to mention, literally no one has the authority to decide what ugly or beautiful is.

2. Negative: I am so lazy I can’t even take care of myself, my house, and my kids. I am the worst mother.

Positive: Simply because I sit on the couch a lot does not mean I am lazy. I work on my blog and my homework and things for the church, all things that are important and need to be done, things I would feel bad for not doing. I do have a weakness for cleaning the house so I will do at least one thing today to make myself better at cleaning. Every day my kids are fed, safe, clean, and loved. It’s okay that I hit periods where they play their devices all day because I always find my way out, and my children are still cared for very well and they know I love them. I am a good mother.

You have to prove to your mind that you are in control. Lasso those destructive thoughts and make them serve you, bend them to your will. Rebrand them as uplifting thoughts and train them to run through your mind often. It’s not easy, and it takes a lot of work to believe the positive thoughts, but if you practice enough, you will start to believe and think positive automatically. Think of it as a workout you don’t have to get off the couch for!

If you’re interested in the sociology of positive and negative thoughts, check out this ten minute TED talk: “Getting Stuck in the Negatives (and How to Get Unstuck)”

How often do you struggle with negative thoughts? What method do you have for dealing with them?

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Frozen Heart

I adore listening to movie soundtracks and musicals, so naturally, Disney fits right in there. I have been listening to the Frozen soundtrack, with lyrics written by Robert and Kristen Anderson Lopez, and this song just spoke to me today.

Frozen Heart

Born of cold and winter air and mountain rain combining

This icy force both foul and fair has a frozen heart worth mining

So cut through the heart, cold and clear

Strike for love and strike for fear

See the beauty sharp and sheer

Split the ice apart

And break the frozen heart

Beautiful, powerful, dangerous, cold

Ice has a magic can’t be controlled

Stronger than one, stronger than ten, stronger than a hundred men! Ugh!

Born of cold and winter air and mountain rain combining

This icy force both foul and fair has a frozen heart worth mining

Cut through the heart, cold and clear

Strike for love and strike for fear

There’s beauty and there’s danger here

Split the ice apart

Beware the frozen heart

At the beginning of the song, we learn that the icy force (a.k.a. a frozen heart) is born from cold and winter air and mountain rain combining. I love this imagery here because when someone is treated in a cold manner the winter air chills the heart and it begins to freeze. Those two elements come from a bully. I like to think that the mountain rain is the victim’s icy tears of hurt and hate for the people who hurt them, which finalizes the freezing of their heart.

This icy force is the victim’s heart. It’s called foul and fair because I think there is some righteous anger here to stand up for yourself or for others who are being hurt. Of course, fair might also mean beautiful instead of just. Along with that fair nature, there is a thirst for revenge pointing to the foul nature of a frozen heart. It doesn’t matter which way the heart is leaning, the song tells us that the heart is worth mining, which speaks to my soul like a lover to his beloved. It is such a sweet idea that I need reminding of on the bad days. My heart is always worth saving.

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The song tells us to cut through the heart which is cold and clear, it sounds like this is an attempt to get to the heart underneath the ice. The ice workers in the song work hard all day to be able to cut the ice. These men have some serious muscle under their coats because it takes hard work to cut through ice. Likewise, a frozen heart isn’t going to melt right away and you won’t be able to break through on the first try. If you want to break the ice around someone’s heart, it takes persistence and strength.

Then the lyrics add on to that sentiment telling us to strike for love and strike for fear. You’re breaking through the ice out of love for the person and I think out of fear of what they will become with a frozen heart. It could also point to the fact that many people strike out at people with frozen hearts out of fear of them, like the Duke of Wesselton wanted to strike Elsa down out of fear of her powers. In a well-intended, but still harmful gesture, the King and Queen struck out at Elsa in fear by hiding her away, sending the message to Elsa that she is to be feared because there is something wrong with her which makes her dangerous.

See the beauty sharp and sheer. The authors of these lyrics have amazing minds. It warms my heart (teehee) to understand that they can see the beauty in a cold, icy heart. Your frozen heart doesn’t make you ugly. Because the ice is beautiful and sheer, we can see the heart beneath and know that that goodness is still there and its still beautiful.

Split the ice apart and break the frozen heart. I like to think that this is a sort of last call to strike with all your strength to break the ice around the heart because the ice harvesters sing through the whole thing over again (with a bit of a verse in between), but this time they end with there’s beauty and there’s danger here, split the ice apart, beware the frozen heart. They’re saying, strike hard and strike now because a frozen heart may be beautiful but it is definitely dangerous.

The verse says that the ice is beautiful, powerful, dangerous and cold. That ice has a magic that cannot be controlled. Its stronger than a hundred men! Which makes Elsa even cooler (oh boy). Like there’s this legend of the magic in the ice which no man has ever been able to control, and here comes Elsa who figures it out (with difficulty admittedly) and the ice magic bows to her will.

This song speaks to the transformation that can happen to a heart when it is hurt and the beauty and danger of that transformation. It sets up the story of Frozen perfectly, and it shows us that everyone is worth saving. If you’re someone who is having trouble believing that, pay attention. You might be hearing that you are worthless from horrible people, but the rest of us know better. We know that everyone is worth saving, even you with all your terrible parts. Over time, those parts can be chipped away with hard work and it will all be worth it because we know the beauty of the heart underneath.

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